R to the Jizzay

You guys, the weirdest thing happened to me last night. After the game I decided to talk a walk, you know, just to calm my thoughts. It’s really stressful watching the team lose all the time and not be able to do much about it. I mean, I can’t pitch every DAY. So I’m just walking down the street minding my own business when this guy across the road goes “Oh my god, it’s Randy Johnson!” I am rather used to this, so I just waved and kept walking. But then he says “Hey, I love reading your journal online, Big Unit.”

I was speechless. How did this little punk ass bitch find my journal? So I ask him “How did you find my journal, you little punk ass bitch?” And he says “Somebody on S.O.S.H. found it. Oh, good luck with your stiff groin!” And then he was gone.

What the hell is this S.O.S.H.? Is it like some secret club of Yankee fans who have been stalking us and reading our journals? Oh god, soon the whole world is going to know all about my little unit. How can I even show my face in public? I KNEW this online journal thing was a bad idea.

Listen up, bitches, if you’re reading this right now: go the fuck away! I don’t know who the hell you are or who sent you, but LEAVE ME ALONE! LOL.

Can you believe this shit? I mean, can you BELIEVE this shit? Randy Johnson did not come to New York to ride no fucking bench. They thought it would be better to bring some KID up from double A, a kid named after a CHICKEN, instead of ME, just cuz of a little groin stiffness. Let me tell you something bitches, Randy Johnson has played with "groin stiffness" before if you get what I mean. Randy Johnson don't let no stiff groin get in the way of his pitching.

So chicken boy sucked ass against the goddamn DEVIL RAYS fer chrissakes. I was sitting there in the goddamn dugout watching that big fat ugly chicken lay egg after egg right up there in the middle of the plate. I thought I was going to choke Mel and Joe. I coulda won that game. I coulda been the stopper. But nooooo. I had to play CATCH in the goddamn OUTFIELD.

Just wait until Monday, bitches. Those friggin Mariners won't know what hit them.

LOL Shitling on the DL. HAHAHAHA. Suck my teeny tiny prick, Curt! While Curt was getting his gimpy ass landed on the DL I was busy winning. One run, bitches, put that in your pipe and smoke it!

And I couldn't have done it without Jason. Seriously! See, every time I pitch now, I pretend I'm pitching to Jason instead of that ferret-faced little dweeb Posada. It really helps me to imagine Jason behind the plate. I'm still thinking of asking him out for coffee. maggiesox said that he likes tall lanky guys...how would she know that? Is there another tall lanky guy in Jason's life? I'll give the little punk a beat-down!

It was really fun watching Schilling get owned tonight. Back to back homers - hahahahaha, suck it Curt!!

So I make my second start against the Red Sox tomorrow. Do you think the fans will boo me? I don't like getting booed. It makes me feel small inside. I just hope Derek doesn't get too jealous if I get booed. Yesterday they booed A-Rod more than him and he looked disgusted. I guess it must be hard when some snot-nosed little twat replaces you as Boston's cult hero after you've held that honor so long. Poor Derek, he must be really upset. You think I should send him some flowers or something? Who wouldn't be cheered up by a nice bouquet of gerberas and sunflowers?

I'm kinda nervous about my start tomorrow - I still can't stop thinking about Jason. Having to sit there in the dugout when I'm not pitching with nothing to do for three hours except watch him is really not helping matters. I hope I won't be too distracted tomorrow when I have to pitch. Plus, I don't think they're scared of me like all those wimpy pathetic National League teams were. It must be because George made me cut my mullet. What am I without my mullet mojo?

I WIN! I am so much better than Schilling! Bwahahaha. Schilling's still limping around on his gimp ankle while I'm out winning ballgames. This is fun.

Except, guys? I think I might have a little problem. I was cruising along just fine until Jason Varitek came up to bat for the first time in the second inning. And then, I dunno. As he was settling in at the plate he was looking out at the mound, and our eyes just locked. And they were so blue and pretty. And...I kinda felt my stomach flutter a little bit. I shook it off and he grounded out, but then something weird happened back in the dugout in the bottom half of the second. I was just sitting there watching our guys up to bat, except I couldn't stop watching Jason when I should have been watching us. How those big muscular thighs would flex every time he stood up and crouched back down. How his hands were moving. And all the while I kept feeling warmer and warmer inside. The next time he was up to bat, I was so flustered I just left a pitch right up in there in the strike zone and he blasted it for a double.

What's going on, you guys? I'm the ace pitcher in this rivalry now and that means I have a lot of very important responsibility. I'm pretty sure that being in a rivalry doesn't involve having these sorts of feelings for one of your enemies.

I wonder what it would be like to pitch to him? To stare into those gorgeous eyes before every pitch? To have him come running out to the mound if I needed him? I wonder if he'd put his hand on my back as we talked about how to get the next guy out. Oh god, to watch those big manly fingers waggle the sign right in front of his crotch? Um...you'll have to excuse me, guys. I need some time alone with my "little unit" now.

Oh my god. How did those jackholes get ahold of my chat with Schill?

I hope everyone just thinks it's a joke. If people know that George made me shave my pubic hair into an "NY," I'll be really embarrassed. At first I was afraid it was just me, but now that I've been in camp a few days, I realize they make everyone do it. Oh well, having less pubic hair makes your cock look bigger! Sweet!

You guys, I love hate gossiping about teammates, but I think what everyone's been saying about A.R. is true. You know, that he's gay. He seems to really like sneaking up behind D.J. and picking him up off the ground in a big bear hug. Or sometimes he'll just sneak up behind him and tickle him. I think it makes D. uncomfortable, seeing as how he and J.P. are an item. Nobody's supposed to know that, but I walked in on them in the showers yesterday. They promised they wouldn't tell anyone about my little unit if I didn't tell anyone they were "super secret boyfriends." I don't think A. knows. He'd be crushed if he found out.

Hi everyone and welcome to my new journal. Things are really hectic right now, so it's cool to have somewhere to write my thoughts. If I hear any more of this "Big Unit in the Big Apple" shit, somebody's goin' down. I HATE when people call me "the Big Unit." It makes me feel like they know. It's like they're teasing me. I mean, you'd think with my height and everything that "little Randy" would be an imposing figure just like big Randy. But no. Little Randy is rather disappointing. That's why I hate it when people call me "Big Unit." Every time someone says that, it reminds me of my little unit. I haven't told anyone this, but that's why I smacked that photographer. He came up to me and said "Hey, Big Unit," and kinda laughed a little. I just thought "He knows!" and than I slapped him. I felt a little bit bad after, but what if he told somebody? It's only a matter of time before everyone on the team finds out. I mean, how long can I really go showering either before or after everyone else before they get suspicious? I suppose I could make up some excuse, like that I'm shy because I have horrible back acne. Then everyone will think I have back acne, but that's better than everyone knowing that I have a very little unit.

Another thing I have to do this season is prove to everyone in the whole world that I'm WAY cooler than Curt Schilling. This is going to be very difficult, since he won just about everyone over with that whole "pitching on a fucked-up ankle" thing. I guess I'll just have to pitch MORE injured than him. I already have a plan. About halfway through the season, I will "accidentally" dislocate my already arthritic and balky knee. I'll say I slipped on some wet grass while I was walking the dog (Note to self: get a dog). They'll pop it back in and everything, but it will be very swollen and painful for the rest of the season. Then I will be the hero as I pitch the team to post-season victory! HA! Take THAT, Curt Schilling. Then everyone will love ME best.